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Phoenix's pair of strident b-ball defenders feature the big tamale, "Sir" Charles "Barkley"!™ His sidekick, Dane, seems like an amiable guy -- the "good cop" to His Knightedness's "pissed off cop," if you will. Also I have it on good authority that his favorite kind of breakfast pastry is danishes!

Watts is represented by a tag-team I like to call "Chilly D-Train." Their game-faces are as fierce as my inability to think of anything to say about them, except that I'm not quite sure what's happening with the upper left corner of Chilly's do-rag/kerchief. What is that? Badly-cropped digital photo? Smurf-style floppy hat edge? Internal heating device to keep him from getting chilly? The world may never know!

Evidently, everything IS bigger in Texas! Just look at the puffy faces of "Sarge" and "Fly By"! I'm not sure what Sarge is so smug about...his haircut is hardly military regulation, and everyone knows it! Perhaps to over-compensate for his hirsute team mate, Fly By, sports a goofy "long on top, buzzed on the sides" 'do last seen growing out of the scalp of one of those background kids from "King of the Hill." Yyyyup.

Chicago: The Windy City. Evidently this propensity for rapid atmospheric disturbance has caused its 'ballers to use ungodly gobs of product and fixative to form their hair into stiff plateaus and mesas. Seriously, I'm pretty sure Gunner could headbutt mountain goats into unconsciousness with that high-top! Also "Xaos" (presumably pronounced "Zay-ohs", like in Planet of the Apes) appears to be Robby Rotten from Lazytown -- I mean, look at that cartoony chin! It's nice to know that Mr. Rotten has finally learned the joy of exercise, and (judging by his choice in jewelry) he's also accepted Jesus as his own personal Sporticus!

Oakland's finest include Funky D, who appears to be a blaxploitation version of Rambo (down to the 1970s haircut), and the equally racially-sensitive caricature of "Smoothy." Though it's odd that the ginormous-looking Smoothy who has "Speed" maxed out, while Commando Funky D is good at hitting 3-pointers. Sadly there's no stat for "eating things that would make a billygoat puke", because I bet (like John Rambo) Funky D would TOTALLY have all 8 "basketball points" in THAT skill!

Miami's gruesome twosome include the up-beat T Bone, apparently a well-rounded b-baller with a lot of good points. They balance out his team by sticking him with "Wildman", who appears to be Miles O'Keefe with Robert Z'Dar's chin glued on to the bottom of his face. Tough break, Mr. Bone!

The...uh....coffee city of Seattle is well-represented by Stonewall and Spike...who really kind of sound like one of those "attitude"-y game character duos from this era. Toejam and Earl...Two Crude Dudes...Bubsy (who has enough attitude to be a tag-team ALL BY HIMSELF!)? Meet "Stonewall and Spike." In continuing the odd trend of making the badass-lookin' fellows NOT have super ball-stealin' skills, the be-mohawked Spike is also a speedster, while Stonewall is good under the basket...AND is sporting a warm-looking knit cap! Perhaps, in a show of good sportsmanship, he could loan it to Chilly, that guy's freezing!

Brooklyn, NYC boasts a curious duo: Sweet Pea and Newts. If I understand correctly, Sweet Pea is Popeye's adopted son, all grown up! He's definitely got his adopted father's sense of swell hat fashion! For some reason he's teamed up with Jesse "the Body" Ventura, who is going under the unlikely b-ball name of "Newts." Perhaps he buys a lot of witchcraft supplies? Eye of newt...leg of frog...tongue of SHUT UP AND JAM!™? But most importantly, if you'll indulge me for a minute: No...Sleep...Til Brooklyn! Thanks!