Up from (Super) Obscurity
permalinkLast time on Marking your (Rival) Turf, I told you how to activate my favorite cheat in all video-gamingdom, the "Rename Every Enemy" cheat!
I even suggested some awesometagious new names for 10 of the 20 characters -- INCLUDING the players, Jack Flak and Oozie Norton (or, if you're playing Rushing Beat, you'll know them by non-ridiculous names)!
In this article, I'll give you my handy-dandy re-name suggestions for the OTHER ten enemies, including ALL* THE BOSSES (except for Level 1's Aladdin-reject, "Genie," who we covered last time)...and after that, some more fun tidbits about this very odd video game!
*: but I only got pictures of MOST of the bosses. I'm going to pull a Jeff Rovin here and say, "I'll leave the other two bosses for YOU to discover!"
So now, on with the REST of the names!
Since a lot of these guys have "palette/head-swap siblings" (and if you can't picture that means, think about Glass Joe then think about Don Flamenco. Got it?), I'll be showing their first version, then the "new" version! That means the guy on the left is named in the first article, but the guy on the right is who we're talking about now!
Now that you're thoroughly confused...on with the names!
| last time... | This time! | They Call Him... | I Call Him... |
|---|---|---|---|
Goro
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Kato
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KATO
Kato: He's like Goro with a backwards baseball cap. Definitely NOT The Green Hornet's sidekick!
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DUDEBRO
Combine the most annoying traits of fraternity clothes and the Cobra Kai dojo, and you have DUDEBRO. He will kick you whilst leaping backwards, because THE ENEMY DESERVES NO MERCY, bro!
|
 Skinny |
 Reggie |
REGGIE
Reggie looks like Skinny with some rockin' locks! Ok, so his fugly medallion doesn't stand out as much as his gaunt brother's, but his pants look less ZUBAZ-ridiculous!
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FOGHAT
I don't know why, but he just strikes me as being a Foghat kind of guy. It's not a rational thing. Actually, I don't really know what kind of band Foghat is. But if Reggie had a hat, I just bet it would be foggy!
|
 Butch |
 Louie |
LOUIE
Louie has the same kind of meatball build as Butch, but he's traded in the chrome-dome and poindexter glasses look for a sensible helmet! Because if you're going to be punched directly in the face by a 7-foot tall guy in florescent red dance-wear named "Oozie", you'd want head protection as well!
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HOTIE
Louie thinks he looks pretty sharp in his helmet. Butch and Reggie WOULD tell him that he should probably spell his new name with TWO "t"-s, so it would be pronounced "Hot-ee" rather than "Hoo-tee", but that would involve getting close to Louie/Hotie, and he smells like a poorly-laundered jockstrap.
|
 Warrior |
 Dingo |
DINGO
Dingo may not be eatin' babies, but he's mastered the same battle-techniques that WARRIOR has! Actually, he doesn't have a lot going for him: he's a direct palette-swap of Warrior...but at least his palette colors are a little less Anime Villain-y (you'll notice the lack of pink hues anywhere in his hair or socks).
|
BINGO
All too easy.
|
 Arnold |
 Gigante |
GIGANTE
He's not a cheap Schwartzenegger rip-off like his sprite-sibling; Gigante has had to form his OWN identity. In theory, this would be commendable...but given that he's chosen to present himself as a body-builder with hockey hair (and potentially a maple leaf muscle shirt)...well, maybe he just should have dressed up like Dolph Lundgren or something and called it a day.
|
CANADA.O
Ooo, Canada...Uh, that's all I remember. But if it's good enough for Zap Rowsdower, it's good enough for Gigante! |
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SLEDGE
Sledge, the boss of the Parking Garage level, is indeed a funk soul brother. He listens to a boom box, dances like a madman, and gets a funky golden car to barrel across the screen by blowing an air horn. Is there anything he can't do? Actually, yes: he's horrible at fighting. You kind of have to go out of your way to allow him to damage you, because any normal attack technique (like "punching repeatedly" or "jump kicking") seems to be too much for his defenses. If you stop pummeling him for a little while he'll break out the air horn and summon another pair of the Weakest Enemy Twins. In theory, they would help him beat you up, but again: they're the weakest enemies in the game. Poor Sledge!
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PLEDGE Wooden surfaces come clean! Also, this is appropriate, given how easy it is to polish him off. PUN!
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SLASHER
Ok, Slasher isn't really flipping you the bird-o there. He's doing his "come here" finger waggle. He does this before leaping off the railing to swan-dive at you. He's the boss of the level after Sledge. I can't think of much more to say about him. Presumably he spends his free time writing stories about Kirk and Spock.
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JASON V
Dude, this one is easy. SLASHING + HOCKEY-MASK = Jason V, the scourge of Crystal Lake! Fortunately he doesn't pull a machete on you...although, given how useless weapons are in the Rushing Beat series of games, it probably wouldn't matter too much.
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CAPTAIN
Hi Cap'n! Permission to come on board? Captain is the first boss in the South America part of Rival Turf. He likes to point at you and kick you. My advice? Don't let him!
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BOATMAN
Criminals are a cowardly lot...I shall take on an emblem that will strike fear in their hearts. And what covers 70% of the earth's surface? WATER! Uh, I'm not sure where I'm going with this.To reiterate, I suggest you rename "CAPTAIN" to "BOATMAN" |
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ICE MAN
Like all corrupt business crime-lords in South America, Ice Man wears a luchadore wrestling mask and a business suit. This looks like a job for El Santo! Since he's not around, this will end up being a job for OOZIE NELSON. Great.
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MICEMAN
Ok, it's only one letter off from "Ice Man", but you can't shift the letters over so you have to change "I" to "M", then "C" to "I", etc. But the end result is worth it! You can distract him by pressing the "Tell me about the rabbits, George!" button (which was included in MICEMAN! |
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BIG AL
You would hardly expect an international crime organization to be ruled by Little Al, would you? If you would expect that, you'd be in for a rude awakening! A rude awakening that burps Hadouken fireballs out of his comically-oversized mouth! Big Al is the last boss, and appears (as is the tradition), at the end of the game.
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ZIGGIE
I'm not sure why, he's just called Ziggie. Perhaps it's because he wears a giant onesie, just like his doofy bald news-print comic namesake? Or maybe because of his propensity to appear in greeting cards where he proclaims, "I wuv you DIIIS MUCH"? Or maybe it's because they both run most of the crime in Southern California from their secret base on a roof top in Venezuela. But mostly it's because calling an evil crime boss/karate master "Ziggie" makes me giggle (especially if he's fictional, so he won't come to my house and go all Sho Kazugi on my ass).
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Now, to pad out this article...Disturbing Rival Turf images!
Oozie participates in a Beefy Fellow Conga Line. Poor Gigante feels left out!
Jack Flak is unsure what's happening here.
Jack Flak is even less sure what's happening here, but for some reason he suspects Slasher is going to write about it.
Uh, you probably shouldn't drink out of water tower 13, Oozie!
The special limited-edition South-American-Palette-Swap version of Reggie is chillin'!
And for the grand finale, the second-most-absurd* thing which happens in Rival Turf!
Oozie Nelson hops on a helicopter which immediately flies from Southern California to, oh, Venezuela or something.
This is a journey of well over 3,600 miles, and it appears to happen without the helicopter landing even once. That means, if the helicopter is going 100 mph, the flight will take over 36 hours, aka 1.5 days. Additionally, dinking around on wikipedia suggests that the first kind of helicopter I looked at gets 1.65 miles per gallon. That means the helicopter would need to be carrying over 2,181.81818 gallons of fuel. If it's running on diesel fuel, that might weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 7.4 tons.
To summarize: these numbers are very big and that makes me feel angry!
*: What's the MOST absurd thing in Rival Turf? Well, alert reader Rage Quitter 87 2012 told me about THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO. If you treasure your sanity, you will not watch it!
— carlmarksguy, 2012-04-20
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