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Up from (Super) Obscurity

From: Rodney
To: Stacey
6/5/199X 4:39pm

Dearest Stacey; what news there is:

I have been offered a position as a caddy in the prestigious Waialae Country Club golf course!

They say I am the first occidental to be deemed worthy! Unsure of what "occidental" means, but I was very flattered.

I need hardly remark that this is the fruition of all our work as caddies, and I hope that you will join me in my move to sunny Hawaiia!

I have enclosed the flier for the august institution where I shall soon be working:

Aloha, my dearest!

PS: I am told that "aloha" means both "hello" and "goodbye"; however in this case I meant "goodbye"...that might have been self-evident, and if that is the case, I apologize.

From: Stacey
To: Rodney
6/5/199X 5:21pm

My cherished Rodney,

I cannot tell you the mixed emotions that your latest missive provoked --

I received your message while half-way through my own electronic message, to you, describing the offer that I received this afternoon:

I have been recruited to work at the Wicked 18 course, which as you know is located in Dimension X.

(As you are no doubt also aware, Dimension X is where golfers are willing to play on courses made out of tall cliffs and precipitous drops, and occasionally large hunks of rock have been set hovering in mid-air just for the opportunity to deflecting a golf ball in mid-drive).

They have given me a photograph of the view from the tee on the first hole; note the floating stones in the distance:

My career has been leading to this promotion, and I dare not turn it down...yet how will I live without you, sweet Rodney?

I am torn, heart from ambition. How shall I reconcile the two?

Write me soon, Rodney; share your wisdom.

-- Stacey

From: Rodney
To: Stacey
6/5/199X 10:36pm

My dearest Stacey! I just now got your message, upon returning from a evening's celebration with my fellow caddies, and am much aggrieved!

I had spent the cab ride home memorizing the Waialae course names, and somehow they all seem to mock me, to mock you, mocking our plight --

Are we Upiki (trapped?) The Hawaiians might say this is indeed a Huluhulu (hairy) situation.

I have no desire to Kipaku you (drive you away), but how can we follow both our professional drive AND our hearts?

I can help any golfer to select the club to deal with every situation, from fairway to sand trap...but now I find myself unable to pick the best of two options!

What can we do? What must we do? Where do cannot and must intersect? Perhaps in the paradoxical dual-nature of Aloha.

I feel myself falling into the sleep of the perplexed, with the sword of Democleese hovering over my head, so I shall send this message now

Until tomorrow my love,
Rodney

From: MARK ETEER [spam]
To: Stacey, Rodney, MARK ETEER
6/6/199X 3:59am

VIAGROW CHEEP!. GAINE A FOOT IN LENGHT.

LONGER HRDER EROCTIONS! MY WIEF LOVES THIS PRUDUCT

From: Stacey
To: Rodney
6/6/199X 4:03am

I have spent a long night grappling with this conundrum.

I, too, tried to bury my upcoming challenge in the golf club headcoverer of sleep, but Mr. Sandman evades my small apartment like it was a quaint but impotent bunker, placed too far behind the green to ensnare even the most hopeless hackers.

How can we navigate this awful lie and achieve, if not the green, a spot on the fairway?

From: Stacey
To: Rodney
6/6/199X 4:19am

I...I think I know how I must choose, though it pains me.

I proceed towards the short game with much apprehension, because it means -- we shall park our golf carts at a different 19th Hole

All my love, Rodney, caddy of my heart -- Stacey

From: Rodney
To: Stacey
6/6/199X 6:56pm

Oh, Stacey --

I curse the peppermint schnapps-based celebration which drove me to murky sleep, unable to help you work through this unplayable position.

I can never know how I would have chosen had you not bravely played through, but have steeled myself to be as supportive of your choice as a well-calibrated Stimpmeter.

It is with a much heavier heart than I expected that I shall be shipping off to Honolulu.

Perhaps, interdimensional weather patterns permitting, we may even still be able to exchange correspondence from time to time? Nothing would please me more, would offer me some small measure of succor during this bitter-sweet chip shot of transition.

Your love and fellow caddy always,
Rodney Preston, Esquire.

PS: li Brown is Hawaiian for "Mr. Golf". How weird is that?

Visit lovely Dimension X, and golf the Wicked 18 course!

Our friendly staff of professional caddies will help you get the most out of this unique interdimensional golfing vacation!
— carlmarksguy, 2012-07-20
1
It's like the SLICE-TRAP LETTERS!
2
...or THE BUNKERS OF MADISON COUNTY!
3
Also, is it just me, or does the Waialae logo look like the Rebel Alliance insignia?
4
it's not just you! :)
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