Smorgasbored!
permalinkI started out the evening not knowing what I should write an article about. But you know what they say: necessity is one bad mother --
But I'm talkin' 'bout necessity being the mother of invention...and what I came up with was, "there are a lot of NES game sequels whose stories got shafted." Can you dig it?
Oh, never mind. Let's start again:
While thinking of an article to write tonight, I dug around my screencaptures and realized there were quite a few NES game sequels where there was an introductory story to help explain why the characters have come back.
And of those sequel stories, a lot of them were mind-bendingly bizarre or stupid...and the absurdity could usually be summed up in just one screen.
So, without furthermore ado, here's the top ten less well-known NES game sequels with awesometastic introductory stories!
I guess a paperboy/papergirl could be coaxed out of retirement because of leash laws (assuming they'd been badly mauled before)...but judging from my experience with the Super Nintendo port of this game, Day 1 just starts with a random newspaper headline. I guess this means there is no "official" story (other than whatever's happening on the lower left corner of Officer Frowny-Face's nose).
After 15 screens of introductory text and banter about the international crisis that he's being hired to solve (with extreme prejustice), Golgo 13 responds by dramatically lighting a cigarette and utter the immortal/noncommittal line shown above.
What a lovable assassin he is!
What a lovable assassin he is!
Bubble Bobble 2's story is told with pictures. For some reason, unlike in the game, the ENEMIES are the ones who use bubbles...then they immediately break the fourth wall by carrying Bub's playmate out of the picture frame!
Bub then changes from a little boy to a dinosaur. Because Nintendo.
Bub then changes from a little boy to a dinosaur. Because Nintendo.
It's totally normal for the disgusting Fratelli clan to grab some hostages as part of their revenge -- but it gets weird when you realize that Annie is a mermaid.
Between the Animal Kings and trying to get "We've Only Just Begun" out of my head, this will indeed be my toughest challenge yet!
Our returning(?) Renegade has a TARGET on his back this time! Or, I guess not -- but Mr. Big HAS got his brother!
Fortunately, Kid Renegade is Ready to Rumble...and you can indicate your readiness when you "press fire to Rumble!!"
Fortunately, Kid Renegade is Ready to Rumble...and you can indicate your readiness when you "press fire to Rumble!!"
Power Punch II begins with Mr. Tyler's boxing manager brags that "no one on EARTH can beat him!"
But when an alien (who looks like a cross between Trumpy and Don King) intercepts this television, Tyler's bought himself a one-way ticket to punching mutants upside their cranial cybernetics!
But when an alien (who looks like a cross between Trumpy and Don King) intercepts this television, Tyler's bought himself a one-way ticket to punching mutants upside their cranial cybernetics!
After the original Ikari Warriors*, its sequel begins as Paul and Vince hop on a luxury jet on their way for some well-deserved R&R.
In a twist that's even more nonsensical than Power Punch II's, the weather begins to look "pretty bad", then the next thing they know, they're listening to Zada (imagine Yoda reincarnated as Hoy Quarlow) ramble on about saving his oddly-named planet from an even stupider-ly-named conquerer.
*: fortunately everyone knows that the CANONICAL ending of Ikari Warriors involved Paul and Vince being gunned down three times by the first series of blue guys, so any rumors that they survived to be teleported to Alexia Lomta are purely theoretical.
In a twist that's even more nonsensical than Power Punch II's, the weather begins to look "pretty bad", then the next thing they know, they're listening to Zada (imagine Yoda reincarnated as Hoy Quarlow) ramble on about saving his oddly-named planet from an even stupider-ly-named conquerer.
*: fortunately everyone knows that the CANONICAL ending of Ikari Warriors involved Paul and Vince being gunned down three times by the first series of blue guys, so any rumors that they survived to be teleported to Alexia Lomta are purely theoretical.
How can we top Ikari Warriors II's story? Let's take Ken from the original Street Fighter game:
Street Fighter 2010 postulates that his youth as a bare-knuckle fighter lead directly to a career as a revolutionary biotechnologist; he and his partner Troy are credited with inventing Cyboplasm*
"in small doses, it can give people the extra strength they need to remain alive. In large doses, it comes alive and takes over the body and mind of its host, turning them into violent, mindless supermen or, in some cases, superaliens."
Street Fighter 2010 postulates that his youth as a bare-knuckle fighter lead directly to a career as a revolutionary biotechnologist; he and his partner Troy are credited with inventing Cyboplasm*
"in small doses, it can give people the extra strength they need to remain alive. In large doses, it comes alive and takes over the body and mind of its host, turning them into violent, mindless supermen or, in some cases, superaliens."
...I...I just...
The graphics? "expirement" instead of "experiment"? Calling the Cheetah Men a failed experiment? HIS FACE? And unless I'm greatly mistaken, we see the world's first use of the Oxford Comma's mythical cousin, the "Oxford Exclamation Point".
It's just too easy.
The graphics? "expirement" instead of "experiment"? Calling the Cheetah Men a failed experiment? HIS FACE? And unless I'm greatly mistaken, we see the world's first use of the Oxford Comma's mythical cousin, the "Oxford Exclamation Point".
It's just too easy.
I think that's about all the smarm I can muster this week --
but seriously -- every introductory screen of this game is its own punchline.
— carlmarksguy, 2014-08-22
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