Super Nintendo, NES & GameBoy tomfoolery;

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Up from (Super) Obscurity

As we've seen, the XVII Olympic Winter Games Lillehammer 1994 was great fun a game. But what happens two years later? It's no longer winter, that's what!
So let's look at the SUMMER equivalent of the winter games! Let's look at...
Olympic Summer Games!
Things begin auspiciously enough, with a mysterious man named "Paul" gyrating slightly while holding what could be a discus or a cruller. A mysterious woman in white takes notes.
(You'll notice a Martian tripod crouched near Paul, ready to vaporize him if he attempts to use the discus as a weapon against the might of the red planet).
Wait a minute...Paul? Surely we can do better than that!
Yes, WaxyBld the HUN is ready to take this Olympics to the limit! THE VERY LIMIT!
But who is this WaxyBld? Well, he's a Hun who has very little tolerance for waxy build-up accumulating on his kitchen surfaces. However, he is unable to do anything about it, because Cybermen patrol his kitchen, discharging high-intensity energy weapons in his direction whenever he tries to clean his counters. And as everyone knows, Cybermen's only weakness is gold, which, if inserted into their breathing intake system, corrupts/corrodes/gets-its-gold-leaf-funk-on in their breath intake manifold(?)(!).
WaxyBld's solution? Enter the Olympics, win a gold medal, and kick some Cyberman cyberbuttock(s)!
Hey, speaking of which, I wonder where this olympics takes place?
Ah, the 3-space coordinate is "Atlanta", and the fourth dimension, that of TIME, is "1996", or "1996 ®", to be precise!
On to the events!
The first event/most of the events involve pointing your hinder into the sky, while a mix-master scratches some dope/fly/fresh/poppin'-fresh/pop-fly-to-the-dope-outfield-fresh tunes in the DJ booth.
It's worth noting that the country that you've picked determines the color of your adorable little track outfit. For example, if I wasn't playing as WaxyBld the HUN, with his xmas-y red-green flag/uniform combo, I might have these frisky colors instead:
Like every "running" sports game that's every been badly developed, your running speed is determined by how fast you can press some buttons. I guess, in this universe, every racer should have to submit a urine sample to detect if their player has a "Turbo" feature on their controller.
The only exciting twist is that, as you near the end of the race, there's another button you can press so that you can pretend to be an airplane:
with your arms thrust back and your head jutting forwards, this is the point in the race where you are encouraged to make loud "motor" noises while trying not to face-plant into the track. A man in a disturbingly blue jumpsuit stands between two bored women in identical outfits, ready to take a picture of you if you trip and disgrace your homeland.
Sadly, no contestant (Olympian?) has yet to do this; I fear that the "fall on your face" feature isn't implemented in this cartridge, so Captain Blue Camera Man's only purpose is irrelevant. The Martian Tripods will presumably vaporize him presently.
WaxyBld's ability to remain upright while running is actually quite impressive; due to some confusion about which button does what, he completed the 100 Meter Hurdles without jumping once!
The Other, Non-Running Events (some of which are worth playing*)
*: Ok, well, maybe one of them
However, if Captain Camera wanted to see some more impressive wipe-outs, he should have come to some of the other events! How did the High Jump go for our intrepid Hun?
Well, during the warm-up phase, WaxyBld (and apparently one of his countrymen?) did their best to impress another in a long line of mysterious monochromatically-dressed women with clipboards, thrusting and stretching in a very manly fashion...
...only to be reduced to tears due to a lack of ability and obscure controls. I like how Mystery Man on the left there appears to be holding a pair of skis; I bet HE wishes his space/time coordinates were 1994 and Lillehammer!
Anyway, since we've already seen Paul trying to throw a discus, so let's see if WaxyBld is any good with a javelin:
Hmmm. I'm beginning to wonder if WaxyBld is going back to his nomadic, horseback existence on the steppes of Russia without a single gold metal to battle the denizens of Planet Mondas who have made his kitchen a living, waxy hell!
But wait! What's THIS...
This I can do!
Despite WaxyBld's terrifyingly slim wrist, he is strong of arm and sure of aim!
Three sets of five arrows later...and WaxyBld has struck gold!
Yeah, baby! After coming in dead-last in every other event, finally something WaxyBld came in FIRST in!!
Ok, let's see what's next...
Uh, wait a minute...McKilray of Nuzzle (I assume that's what "NZL" stands for) ALSO got a gold medal? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!!?!
Welll.... I GUESS that's okay. His name is "Kill-Ray", for cryin' out loud; he's probably got a death-ray built into his Nuzzle-Land robotic chassis. I guess there's no shame in TYING for first with some kind of cyber-being; after all, if they were a push-over, WaxyBld wouldn't have had to go to the Olympics to fight them, anyway.
Ok, what's next on the agenda...
THREE gold medals? What, are they giving them away in cracker jack boxes this event?!!
WaxyBld may be going back to the Land of the Rising Hun to flummox Cybermen with his gold medal, but his victory leaves naught but a bitter taste in his mouth.
So he gets even during the skeet shoot by shotgunning all the event signs in the testicles.
— carlmarksguy, 2012-03-30
So, how would he utilize the gold medals against the Cybermen? Perhaps if he put them around their necks, they would freeze up and cease to respond, like my mother's iPhone 3G!
Perhaps the Cybermen ARE iPhones! :O (or if not, there's probably an app for that. buh-dum-bum)
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