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Spider-Man: geek makes good. Is there a more compelling superhero?

Actually, probably, but I care about super heroes even less than I care about giving thoughtful, in-depth reviews of videogames! Here at GameWTFs, we (by which I mean "I") like to focus on the bizarre picayune details which make forgotten Super Nintendo games head-scratchingly interesting! (by which I mean, "puzzling" or "emotionally disturbing")

So, with that in mind, let's get to the carnage that is Spider~Man's first (second? or maybe third? Don't know, don't care!) Super Nintendo SpiderBeat-SpiderEm-SpiderUp adventure!

On second thought...let's MAXIMIZE that Carnage!

Here's what you'd get in a standard review of Spider^Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage, condensed into useless haiku format:

Yes, the villain in this game, Carnage, is a cross between Spider%Man, the blob (the gooey red-jelly Steve-McQueen-eating blob, not the supervillian by the same name), and the T-1000.

In between fighting stages, there are dozens of poorly-worded cut scenes, which feature other superheroes or supervillains popping in to frame and blasting someone or getting blasted. In fact, there's literally over a dozen characters who'll show their face briefly and pointlessly during Spider@Man's fisticuff rampage, and if you're not quick on the "A" button while the game's credits are loading, you'll have to see each of them. I blame Ninja Gaiden for this pointless cut-scene tendency.

All this is well and good; some of these cameos even appear as bosses. But who feels the blunt end of Spidey's fists the other 90% of the time? If you guessed, "street punks," your SPIDER-SENSES were successfully tingling...with SMARTNESS!!

Unfortunately it's unclear what these street punks have done to enflame Spider_Man's rage; I like to imagine that these panels were omitted from the opening story cut-scenes:

Well, evidently, now is the PERFECT time to be beating up dozens of people in trench coats with porcupine-like hair. Throw in a few guys with backwards baseball caps and sunglasses and a pair of girl scouts, and you've created a laundry list of beatings that Spider|Man has chosen to prioritize over his normal super-villain-fighting routine!

Ok, so I've resigned myself to the fact that Spider)Man is going to spend most of his time punching innocent bystanders who have the gall to raise their dukes to defend themselves when they see an overly-muscled fellow in a blue and red Halloween costume throwing haymakers at everyone in sight.

But where Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage really goes off the deep end is in its Enemy Naming system. If you ever played Double Dragon and wondered why all women members of the gang were referred to as "Linda", or ever set out to defend your Rival Turf from several dozen slack-jawed rag-wearing guys all named "Bullet", then this game is the game for YOU!

Also, if that's true, this website is pretty much designed for you. Tertiarily, you should probably be taking a healthy doctor-recommended regime of medications to help you relax and overcome your need to know the proper name for each individual Abobo (or would the singular of "Abobo" be "Abo"?).

Another thing designed for you? The enemies in this game! Not only do you get the "better Beat-em-Up seal of qwality" that is "different palette swaps for the same enemy", we now have different NAMES for the same enemy! So when you're set upon by a squad of derelicts, you're not just fighting three "bums", or three copies of "TrnchcoatGuy"...you can rest assured that they each have their own identity!

For example, who's that cowering in fear at the approach of a rage-and-irradiation-powered superbeing? That'd be Danny!

And you can know that it was Bret who just lost a tooth from that spider-powered punch to the jaw; KCHAK, indeed! Note in the background: that's NOT the dude whose name is "Alamo" getting a crush on Spider-Man; that's a heart-shaped health power-up sitting on top of a bundle of newspapers.

This of course makes equally little sense as:

But this game contains ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Pictured above: Spiderman's intimidating pose won't make Alamo change his name!

And which local girl scout is that which Spidey's got by the collar, about to punch repeatedly in the stomach? Why, it's Dana! Hi Dana!

For you keeping score at home, here's a chart of the neighbors in the first level, which our masked hero/bully greets with his radioactive fists of fury! Note that there ARE a few repeats, but for the most part, Spidey gets to pummel an entire neighborhood full of unique individuals, each with their own hopes, wants, and dreams:

Long months of emotional and physical recovery after receiving a severe alley-beating from The Amazing(-ly violent) SPIDER+MAN!

Frankly, I'm disgusted.