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Smorgasbored!

If a picture is worth a thousand words, I think this will be my longest introductory segment ever (or at least the one that rounds most neatly to the nearest 1,000):
Yes, there's plenty of games where you have to lay out a clown with haymakers, jump-kicks or using other clowns as living baseball bats:
But this week we're not going to look at beat-em-up games that have clown-enemies.
Instead we're going to look at a motley assortment of One-on-One Fighting Games where one of the characters is a clown. To pad out the article fully show off every brawlin' harlequin, we'll look at four categories for each fool:
  1. Name: where we wax somber on their wacky sobriquet
  2. Level: Anywhere they hang their giant rainbow-colored wig is home.
  3. Circ-Cred: What do they do to earn their "Circus-Cred" as a fighting clown?
  4. The tears of a clown: How do they handle defeat? (And not just "dey put dem in deir comically oversized shoes")
Name: Dozo
Not quite Bozo, not quite No-Doze -- the grim-faced but androgynous harbinger of your doom. Also your second opponent.
Level: Girders of a building under construction
I'd say it's an odd choice, but Dozo itself has such a high reading on the Goofy-Meter, it's hard to judge.
Circ-Cred:
  1. Red Rubber Nose
  2. Terrifyingly snug leotard with large red buttons
  3. Floppy night-cap
  4. Maracas/extendable batons
  5. pointed shoes?
The tears of a clown: "Go back to the circus."
She/he drops his/her maracas, and somehow manages to be knocked unconscious but not plummet off it's lofty lair.
Fighter's History
The most blatant of Street Fighter II-ripoffs to successfully fend off Capcom's lawsuit features THIS penultimate mini-boss:
Name: Clown
Short and to the point...though basically without imagination (which makes it a good microcosm of Fighter's History)
Level: Salvador Dali Brothers Circus of Despair Plus Giant Faces On The Moon And/Or In The Clouds.
Circ-Cred:
  1. Hideous mask
  2. Background filled with other circus performers
  3. Hideous mask
  4. "Pick a Card" projectile attack
  5. Various tumbling tricks (flying at you while curled in a ball, spinning you in circles using his feet, etc)
  6. Hideous mask
The tears of a clown: If beaten repeatedly about the face his mask flies off revealing a travesty of human features beneath.
And in defeat, he presents the victor with a miniscule flag, suitable for "claiming this ice cream sundae in the name of Spain!"
Clay Fighters
The SNES's third-best clay-based Street Fighter II knockoff contains THIS fully-playable red-wigged horror:
Name: Bonker
At least he's not having a bad fur day.
Level: Terrifying checkerboard, giant rubber duckies/toys, a river of pink slime rolling between two gaping maws of green and red nightmare beings.
Pee-Wee's Playhouse, as envisioned by Hieronymus Bosch?
Circ-Cred:
  1. Giant red hair and nose
  2. Comically oversized shoes
  3. Squirting Flower gag
  4. Cartwheel attack
  5. Throws pies
  6. Jumps loudly, swings a big mallet.
The tears of a clown: Falls on his back with his limbs pointed towards that great clown in the sky...
He assumes the classic "Dead Bug" position.
And to wrap up -- Honorable Mention: Ballz 3-D
I'm pretty sure there's a vaguely clown-like amalgam of spheres in BALLZ, but given that it's possibly the only SNES fighting game LESS playable than the torturous Pit Fighter (and I can't get pictures from it), I'm not going to bother with it...
...except to show one of its production company logos!
I'd make an animated .gif of how the colors move in this picture (hint: vertically), but I think that'd make me libel for epilepsy-related injuries.
Well, see you next time!
— carlmarksguy, 2014-01-10
1
Batman Cuddles
2
Ha! Yeah, he has a hard time getting in touch with his emotions.
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