Hi children and stunted man-children of all ages! My extremely tenuous Xmas-related Kindly White Beards of the SNES
theme for December takes on an extra layer of verisimilitude this week, because my post-Xmas article is every bit as anti-climactic as the day(s) after Xmas!
Turns out I only had 3
) kindly white beards
" to discuss. So to round out the month, here's the runners-up...the nearly-were-s...the:
John Hammond - Jurassic Park
Reason he's not included: it's not kindly to fool with Mother Nature.
Unlike his character in the book, the movie has softened him into a grandfatherly figure -- more of a misguided, negligent visionary than Evil Movie Capitalist™ (who can forget his moving speech about finally being able to really give children fleas?)
But be that as it may, he's STILL basically responsible for the whole Jurassic Park test-run becoming a survival horror mess (with an assist from...Newman).
Also he deligates all the heavy lifting/raptor-stopping to YOU.
Creepy King - Kid Klown in Crazy Chase
Reason he's not included: Not actually bearded.
He's certainly "mentor"-y enough (in a creepy and hands-y way), but that wavy thing around his neck is a frilly CLOWN COLLAR, not a beard.
And in case that wasn't bad enough, here's the:
Hoy Quarlow - Super Punch-Out
Reason he's not included: Excessive Cheating.
He's somehow the third-highest-ranked boxer in the ultra-secret unlockable Special Boxing Circuit...
despite the fact that he almost never actually BOXES. 90% of his attacks involve whacking you with a stick.
It's a shame there's no Ultra Double-Dog Secret Circuit, or else we could have
Little Generic Mac face off against "boxers" who spend the whole match shooting guns at him.
Sardius - Super Ghouls'n Ghosts
Reason he's not included: He's Satan.
Since he's the last boss, I guess that means he's pretty much Hell's big cheese. That probably means he's not very "kindly". But what a beard!
Well, that's it for 2013!
I can't think of a
more less more-or-less appropriate way to finish my second year of articles: my Xmas Theme-Month has somehow ended with a guest-appearance by Satan himself.
See you in 2014 for the third
glorious year of GameWTFs.com!
— carlmarksguy, 2013-12-27