The Kindly White-Beards on the SNES #2: That's SHAQ-FU Guru to you!

As you ~~may recall~~ can review, last week I dedicated December 2013 to identifying the kindly-est white-bearded non-wizard fellows to be found on the Super Nintendo.

And where do we look for our next beard? This week, we find our platinum-blond spinach-chinned grandpa figure in Shaq-Fu:

Ah, Shaq-Fu: quite arguably the best Super Nintendo game featuring hulking basketball players fighting supernatural evil before a charity basketball game.

Michael shows up and finds his team has disappeared!

In your face, Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City!

So, let's get down to business. And what is that business, you might ask? Why, it's Shaq-Fu's Story Mode, which features...

Nameless Dojo Master Guy!

While Nameless Dojo Master Guy shows up briefly during the game's ending (at least if the SNES ending is anything like Genesis ending), he's mainly featured in the Story Mode's opening cut-scene. So we'll look through all eight of its glorious panels:

Shaq: It's downtown Tokyo and I'm checkin' out the local sights ont he day of my all star charity game when...

Shaq: ...I stumble upon a small Kung Fu dojo with an old man inside...

That Shaq, and his charity games in downtown Tokyo!

Also I guess Pepsi is a big sponsor of Tokyo dojos: there's quite clearly TWO separate billboards for that cola in those two pictures; there's no way it's the SAME billboard in both shots, it just doesn't line up right.

Old Man: Greetings big warrior. You are the one from the stars, I presume? I thought I'd never live to see the day!

Shaq: I'm an all star if that's what you mean? We have a game tonight...would you like to come? It's going to be quite a battle even though it's for charity.

Here we meet Nameless Dojo Master Guy!

And through a miscommunication that would feel right at home in any '90s sitcom, Shaq accidentally identifies himself as a battling warrior from the stars.

Old Man: Oh no, young warrior, I'm too old to be fighting! But I wish you well...you must hurry now if you are to save the little boy, Nezu. That is, if you really are the magic one?

Shaq: I'm not sure what you mean? I'm just sightseeing before my game. What are you talking about?

And the old guy's like, "Save Nezu!", and Shaq's all like, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Wizened?"

I guess we should just be glad they didn't spin Old Guy's "are you the magic one?" line into a pun about the Orlando Magic (Shaq's team when this game was made).

Old Man: No time to explain! Go through this portal - find Nezu - and save him before it's too late.

Even though Shaq can barely understand what the old man is saying,

when he demands that Mr. O'Neal leap into an inter-dimensional portal wreathed in green flame (or is it just the dojo's storage room with a green curtain?), Shaq is only too happy to obey.

After all, if there's a charity basketball game, a giant PEPSI banner to stand next to, or any "Nezu"-s that need saving, Shaq is SO there!

So that's Nameless Dojo Master Guy -- and why is he so kindly?

Well, he's found a way to send Shaquille O'Neal into another dimension. A dimension not just of peril and adventure, but also of fist-fights with He-Man villain rejects.

One might say that Dojo Master Guy's greatest goodness stems from his ability to locate Nezu-rescuing basketball players...but I'd argue that his Shaq-banishing portal is his greatest contribution to intergalactic good.

I mean, hopefully Shaq and Nezu would be safe somewhere on the other side, but what of OUR world? If Shaq had been cast into higher dimensional space, our world might have been protected from something even more terrifying than brightly-colored creatures named "Mephis" or "Beast":