You know what? I've had a lousy week...but one bright spot was a Super Nintendo game that I bought. Originally I just got it because no one had said much about it, and it also had a title people are likely to mistake for something more modern and famous*:
And then it turns out that Ultimate Fighter is so bat-poopie insane that I can wow my loyal reader(s) with a long, well-informed essay about it.
But as the days dragged on...
And I didn't get a good start on my article, and the burden of bringing so much awesomeness to the web got to be too much. But then I realized: why should I put a lot of effort into a game whose PRODUCERS didn't put a lot of effort in to? So, maybe next week I'll talk in more depth about how bizarre the game is.
For now I'll just say how it's a descendant of the Flying Warriors NES game, which posited a pre-Street Fighter II one-on-one fighting style: instead of mastering moves so you know when to attack in what way during your opponent's unguarded moments...you just have to punch big red "Bull's Eyes" that appear on your opponent's head, torso or legs.
Mercifully, you don't have to play THIS game that way...but they back-handedly imply that this "attack the dot" fighting style is better game design than the Street Fighter II standard: if you want free-range fighting in the boss-battle scenes, you have to select "FIGHTING Operation Mode". For Flying Dragon-style hit-the-bull's-eye brawls? That's "EXPERT Operation Mode"
And those are only the sub-options within "STORY MODE"; don't get me started on how "Animation Mode" works.
Well, ok, just a little: in "Animation Mode", the miniboss and boss battles become turn-based combat, where your options are ATTACK or MAGIC WATER when it's your turn, and DEFEND, DODGE, or MAGIC WATER when it's their turn.
Yes, it's just as futile as it sounds.
Ok, enough of this babble -- make with the GOOFY PICTURES!
Seriously, more babble next week; now let's just enjoy the stupidity -- starting with some of the OTHER competitors in the game's opening sequence:
I'd like to participate in NEITHER of those events, please.
You'd THINK this means its going to be a fighting game, but you'd be wrong.
Pfuf the Dyslexic Dargon, lives by the sea!
Basically you fight a string of dudes with punches, kicks and jump-kicks (and eventually you get over the fact that each attack has about 2 frames of animations)
After a while, you get to a miniboss or boss fight (it's hard to tell), and exchange some pleasantries. Incidentally, your character's name is "Rick"; which means that ninja you're about to fight is the one named "Simon"
And if you were unlucky enough to choose "ANIMATION MODE" instead of "STORY MODE", you switch to the world's dullest turn-based strategy game as I mentioned above.
But if you're in good ol' STORY MODE, you're treated to a DIFFERENT fighting mode. Your jumping/punching/kicking works about 2/3rds of the way the same as in "beat em up" mode, but its different enough to take some getting used to.
Eventually, through judicious use of the Pause Menu and the "Magic Water" (health refills) you pick up throughout the level...
...you win your boss battles (and celebrate by doing the international signal for "hey passing trucker, blow your horn!")
This continues for a while, until a message from your symetrically-acned mentor sends you to the World Tournament of Contact Sports...
Hosted this year in lovely MIAMI!
Well then, I guess you hopped an international flight...but your cut-scene travel expenses didn't cover a cab, so you have to fight your way through the last few blocks on foot.
So, after a few dozen goons and THIS noteworthy miniboss,
You compete in the World Tournament of Contact Sports against some very odd fellows, indeed.
And just when things have started to calm down, one of your opponents immolates with blue flame and send you to a bizarre dimension full of wavy brown swirls and his goofily-armored true form. You know, after phasing you into a different plane of reality, you'd think he'd have a more masterful plan than just hitting you with a quarterstaff.
Not to be outdone, you turn into an off-brand Mighty Morphin Power Ranger,
...so you can counter-attack with a pair of light sabers!
Well, between the totally new combat scheme and the special attacks, things just go down hill from there.
Yeah, I think that's about all I can withstand for this week.
Tune in next time for more Ultimate Fighter!
Well-put, my Haggar-like friend!
Can't get enough Ultimate Fighter
goofiness? Well, we got more!
— carlmarksguy, 2013-09-21