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Cover Art Theatre

The advantage of growing up playing Nintendo games in the 1980's is that you tend to have some left-over video game manuals.
You have them not because of a mild psychosis that makes you think every physical artifact of video game history is something to be exalted, and you must spend copious amounts of money for a VINTAGE 1980's CARDBOARD BOX to accompany any video game cartridge you allow into your home, but because you got the manual when you originally bought the game at K-Mart.
And unlike the game's box (which lasted for a few years in an old Nike backpack, only to be thrown away because they're completely useless), the game manuals often had funny/amusing/weird stuff in them, and reading them could help you suffer through the rough patches of your childhood where you were not actually PLAYING the video games in question!
All that being said (and with quite an inflated word-count, I might add!), I'm going to introduce a new article category here on GameWTFs: Scan the Funny Manual (otherwise known as, "STFM")!
And what better place to start than with the Campy Camp Counselors of Friday the 13th? I donno!
In Game Manual
Name: George
Speed: Slow
Jumping: Horrible
Looks: Emoticon-ish
George's manual illustration is a kind of Barney Rubble type, with a giant square jaw. Also his eyes follow you around the room.
...which is better than his character can do in the game: he walks so slowly that I'm not sure he can even keep up with HIMSELF.
Name: Mark
Speed: Zippy
Jumping: Excellent
Looks: Carrot-Like
One of the 2.5 worth-while characters in the game, he's also quite dreamy-looking in his manual picture! (Though it's unfortunate that he has the same nose as Lord Voldemort).
Name: Paul
Speed: Sluggish
Jumping: Really Bad
Looks: Helmet-Hair
The dappled waves of Paul's puffy hair go well with his fashionable collar.
Additionally, he has tiny elf-ears, and his walking/jumping skills are just as lacking as George's.
Name: Laura
Speed: Fast
Jumping: Poor
Looks: Fair
Laura is the "half-good" character: good running speed, bad jumping height.
That aside, it's unclear why the manual depicts her as a fraggle.
Name: Debbie
Speed: Hippopotamus-like
Jumping: Elephant-like
Looks: Pumpkin-like
I was pretty sure she looked like the little Debbie snack cake mascot, until I used the information super-highway to determine that:
A) she looks nothing like "Little Debbie," the snack cake mascot (she's not wearing NEARLY enough straw boater hat).
2) My original search, "Lil Debbie", uncovered not a snack cake mascot at all but a purveyor of music of some sort, who seems to have a snearing problem (or a Stalone-esque partially paralysed face...and if this is the case, I apologize for mentioning it, Ms. Debbie, it's barely noticeable!)
Point #2 leads me to wonder if my prospects for fame and fortune would improve if I adopted an infantile nickname that would be right at home in a nursery rhyme. Perhaps "CarlMarksGuy" is too bland a sobriquet; after all, you could say it in a room full of 8-year-olds and cause minimal giggles.
Yes, the world might beat a path to my door if I take the Lil Debbie/Puff Daddy/Very Small Bow-Wow route, and call myself something along the lines of "Precious Widdle Lumpy Umpy Bumpkins Shnookums." (And now that I'm a marketable commodity, please direct all inquiries for speaking gigs and concert appearances to my agent*)
*: Milty Wilty Quilty Sugarplumb Ticklefeather
I think I've gotten a little off-track, so let me add: Debbie, like George and Paul, is a completely useless character.
Name: Crissy
Speed: Lightning
Jumping: Leapin' Lizards
Looks: Beautiful (or squinty-er than Gilbert Godfried)
The other useful character, a match for Mark in the running and jumping department (though I imagine that department has a lot of returned merchandise*)
*: Because people would drop it, what with all the running and jumping.
She's obviously supposed to be the "looker" amongst the girls in the manual, with her big hair and full lips. But if you examine her picture closely...wait, are those really her lips? Does she have a mustache and a tiny "C"-shaped smile? Ok, now that you've seen it that way...just TRY to see it as lips again!
Well, that's quite enough for now
...but tune in next week when I hope to do the same thing for the Friday the 13th enemies!
— carlmarksguy, 2013-07-19
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