This week we're going to discuss the relative destructibility or indestructibility of the foods to be found in...
If you went into an arcade in the 1980s, you're probably familiar with Gauntlet, and its key catch-phrases, lovingly rendered in digitized audio. For example, you might hear:
Red Warrior needs food...badly
Blue Wizard, your life force is running out
Green Elf shot the potion!
Well, Gaunlet II for the NES is a pretty reasonable port of that 4-way shoot-monsters-up...down to the digitized voice clips and its 4-player simultaneous play (with the appropriate NES adapter).
If this is all new to you, the game basically starts out like this...
Then gets a little more like this...
...and continues until it reaches "good lord, why am I doing this to myself?"
But now, the Destructibility!
In Gauntlet II, you can only replenish your constantly-diminishing health by grabbing the Food found scattered about the maze. Some of these food items will be destroyed if you shoot them, while others can withstand an infinite barrage of axes, arrows, throwing swords(?) and magic bolts and still please your palette!
Which is which? Let's go to the field-guide:
||The "XX"-brand cider is one of the first food items you'll see. One errant projectile will shatter it, spilling this life-giving beverage onto the cold dungeon flagstones, while the computer-voice mocks you by saying, "Yellow Valkyrie shot the food!"
|Dinger Dinner |
||There is seemingly no force in heaven or hell which can damage this lovely plate of ham...except for the teeth of a hungry warrior! If only Blue Wizard would make a suit of armor out of strips of this ham, he would be unstoppable!
|Plate of Delicious Vittles
||This rarely-found dungeon-exploring treat has it all:
While it's just as resistant to "friendly fire" accidents as is the Indestructible Ham, it gains style-points for containing both meat AND drink!
- a mug of some yellow substance (perhaps ale?)
- a plate
- a brownish lump (which could be mashed potatoes)
- and another brown vaguely cylindrical object, which I postulate is the medieval precursor to a corn dog
Well, that's it for this week...
I hope you've found this week's article to be both informative and a complete waste of time...but tune in next week, when we may or may not be reviewing Red Warrior's tell-all biography:
I Outran Death for a Corn Dog
— carlmarksguy, 2012-10-12